Heal to Lead

1Why We Become Leaders

COURAGE—FROM THE LATIN cor, meaning heart—is herculean in the face of fear. The news that my dad was leaving us was heartbreaking for me. I wouldn't let anyone see or know that though. Not my mother. Not Kevin. Certainly not my dad; he was my advocate. I had already been people-pleasing for years up to this point, but now I was in a desperate position. Sure, I could have voiced how I felt to my father, but I sensed the gravity of the situation, and my survival strategy was to limit any risk in burdening or displeasing him. My future leadership tendency toward pleasing started right here, with this very experience. In my nine-year-old subconscious mind, I couldn't risk losing his love or protection because then I would be alone, with her, and in real danger.

In my heart though, I was disappointed and scared. I was angry at him, too, but I never let myself feel those emotions at the time. They didn't feel like safe emotions to have, so I stuffed them down like I had been doing with my mother all along. They piled up and calcified in my gut, but I pretended everything was fine between him and me. In fact, I put my father on a pedestal because any other subconscious strategy would have meant that both of my caregivers—the totality of my environment—were flawed and therefore unsafe.

More than 30 years later, I have come to realize that he knew my mother better than anyone. He knew what she was capable of, and he knew what was happening in our home. Maybe he ...