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Announcer:
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Ladies and Gentlemen, it's time once again for the game show at the
top of all game shows, Fundamentally Confusing Criteria!
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(Applause. Lights criss-crossing the stage. Swing music.)
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Announcer:
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Our theme today is high-speed, digital data services. We have three
contestants. And now, please welcome our Master of Confusion!
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(Confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling. Whistles and cheers
erupt from the studio audience as the MC walks onto the stage.)
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MC:
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We've got lots of inquiries for you, today, folks, and maybe even some
rulings, all on the program where billions of dollars in prizes are
given out on every game.
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(Shouts and applause from the audience.)
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MC:
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You've been on this show a lot, Contestant #1. Tell us what you've
been doing lately.
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Contestant #1:
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Not much. Squirreling away my money for a rainy day. Upgrading a few
lines here and there, in case they'll be useful for sending high-speed
data.
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MC:
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We're interested in those high-speed data lines, Contestant #1, and we
might be getting you to upgrade a lot more of them!
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Contestant #1:
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Gee, how'rya going to do that?
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MC:
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How? Let's see!
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(Spotlight on curtain. Drum roll.)
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MC:
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We're going to give you relief from the law that says you have to
offer these lines to competitors!
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(Applause from audience. Upbeat music.)
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Announcer:
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(Rapidly, in a low voice)
Offer extended only in specified markets and geographic areas. Invalid
where prohibited by law. U.S. Congress may change definitions and
conditions at any time.
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MC:
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Yes, just wait for a really long and wordy ruling where we show that
the presence of competitors holds back competition! What do you think
of that, Contestant #1?
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Contestant #1:
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(blubbering)
Aw, this is great, I should have kept around some of those competent
employees. Gee, folks, I love America, you--
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MC:
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Now, Contestant #2. How do you like those big prizes we gave you last
time?
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Contestant #2:
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They stink.
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(Laughter and hoots from audience.)
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MC:
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Hey, those were pure, unencumbered bands of spectrum we sold you!
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Contestant #2:
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Well, I can't do anything with them. I can't figure out what kinds of
data services to offer, and nobody wants them anyway. I built my whole
business model around impulse buying, and people don't do that in a
recession.
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MC:
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If you can't use the spectrum, we'll be happy to take it back. But the
last time we tried, we got the pants sued off of us.
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Contestant #2:
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Oh, that's OK, we'll keep the prizes and go on playing. We figure
we'll be in line to win big if the TV broadcasters ever have to give
up a chunk of their spectrum.
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MC:
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That's the spirit, Contestant #2!
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(Applause. Drum salute.)
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MC:
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Now, Contestant #3, you're pretty new to this show.
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Contestant #3:
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I kept hearing about how much the other contestants were winning, and
figured I'd better get my fanny down here or I'd be totally shut out.
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MC:
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But we told you many years ago that you don't have to play this game,
Contestant #3. Haven't the other contestants been sharing their prizes
with you?
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Contestant #3:
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Not really, no. I just never seem to get a hold of good lines or
spectrum. Everybody talks about how you gotta spend money to earn
money, but I find I gotta earn money to spend money.
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MC:
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Careful, Contestant #3; this game is addictive. Once you start to
play, you have to keep coming back! Is there anything special you've
got your sights on?
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Contestant #3:
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I was just hoping, maybe, you could let me operate my service in
broader bands of spectrum, and set up a few rules to prevent
congestion.
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MC:
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We hear you, Contestant #3! On this show today, you may come out doing
just that!
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(Applause.)
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MC:
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But wait. . . there's a note from our crew.
(Tears open the envelope.)
Sorry, Contestant #3, some powerful bandwidth users are complaining
that you'll interfere with them.
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Contestant #3:
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I'll keep the power down, honest, you'll hardly be able to tell I'm
there. . . .
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MC:
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Well, we'll have to start the game with restrictions on that spectrum
so you can't benefit from it, Contestant #3.
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(Disappointed "Aw's" from audience.)
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MC:
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Do you still want to play?
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Contestant #3:
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Heck, if I don't win at this, I'll spend the rest of my career
checking the logs on some other employer's web server. Sure, I guess
I'll play.
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MC:
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Well, now, let's start today's show. And remember what we tell you
every time: the way to win this game is to rely on the free market!
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